I had my day planned out. I was going to get out there in the world and surround myself with people. I reckoned in a city of 9 million people it couldn’t take more than a couple of hours to make some kind of connection. I took the bus into town. I walked around the shops. Ate my lunch on a bench in a busy park… and nothing. Okay, I thought. I guess people are… busy. After visiting a museum in the afternoon, I took myself off to the theatre thinking surely in a social setting I’d have better luck. Picked up my tickets. Watched the show. In the interval went to the bar, had a drink (that I’d pre-ordered, as prompted to do when I’d booked my ticket). Still nothing. In fact I made it all the way home and not even a whisper had come my way.
In the coming days, I pondered over how in such busy places nobody thought to speak. The following week I decided to repeat my experiment with one key difference. I decided rather than simply be polite and keep myself to myself, this time I would look up, make eye contact and smile. I’d arranged a very similar day - town, shops, park theatre. I didn’t have to wait very long, from the moment I walked out the door I had two ‘Good morning’s’ and one ‘Excuse me’. In fact, the day was full of conversations and interestingly I didn’t verbally start a single one! So what was the difference, can a smile really be the answer and if so, why?
It’s kind of common knowledge that conversations can be difficult if we are feeling under-confident or don’t know many people. It’s also no secret that when we are worried that our advances, however platonic, may be rejected we might keep shtum. What my cheery day out made realise however, is that it isn’t just about us fearing a poor reception that stops the conversation before it’s started. It may actually how the other person feels in response to us. How likely they think we’ll be to accept their attempt at a conversation. In short if we look friendly, genuine and open, rather than defensive or even indecipherably neutral, people will want to talk.